Sleep has always been something of a mystery to me.

 

Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn’t a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself). 

 

When I got to my teenage years I just couldn’t sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine…unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep. 

 

To a large extent, it’s like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.

 

I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I’d treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.

 

I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we’ll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?

 

I’m shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!

 

I don’t want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I’ll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I’ll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.

 

I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I’d be worrying about sleeping so much she’d laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.

Advertisements