This isn’t my first or only blog, however, I’ll come to the reasons behind this later on.

 

This blog is for my bad days, although not the bad, bad days as anyone out there with any form of dysautonomia or mental illness will testify that on those days there is no way even looking at a laptop is possible.


Anyway, the reason for this blog is in a large part thanks to Rusty Hoe (http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.co.uk/) whose blog I stumbled across today and was incredibly well timed as I woke up having a bad day with both my POTS and depression.


Having said both I’m not actually convinced they are separate entities as they both feed each other and leave me feeling like I’m in an endless spiral. It does feel very much like a chicken and egg scenario at times.


Anyway, the reason for having two blogs…sometimes it feels like I live two separate lives. The days that I have lots of energy or spoons (if you don’t know about spoon theory there will be a link on my blog) and the days where I basically have few to no spoons. Days where I can look in the mirror and days where if I even glance some part of my reflection I feel an intense rage boiling at myself. So therefore I don’t want to taint my blog of things that make me happy with the negativity of my illness.


I know both mental illness and dysautonomia are topics that have a taboo around them as there are some people out there who think one or the other don’t exist or that they affect my employability and yes I get ill (but so do a lot of other people with a lot of other different illnesses) but I have managed to get a degree, a postgraduate diploma and have always been in employment since the age of 21. I myself have been embarrassed for far too long about both my conditions and thought I was weak because of them (but didn’t think anyone else was weak – it’s fun being in my head at times) but quite frankly I am tired of hiding and can’t expect others to raise their heads above the parapet if I don’t myself.


This is going to have to be a short post as, as I have mentioned this is a bad day blog and just setting this up has actually taken a lot of energy and concentration. If things don’t quite follow through or make sense please keep with me, there is a brain fog that decends on me and I lose all track of whatever I’m doing/saying and things become a jumble.


I will try to read this back when my brain is a little fresher and hopefully shine some more light on what it’s like to be a 28 year old with a lot going on in her head and her body and trying to explain to people that I have an illness, I’m not crazy and I’m trying to make the most of the cards dealt to me.


J

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