Having had a dreadful night’s sleep due to back pain and anxious thoughts I got up to another lovely grey day.


The post arrived with a “Limited Capability for Work Questionnaire” which caused a panic attack as I had already filled out one document for JobCentrePlus in order to claim some money as my SSP had run out, this one, however, as I’m sure anyone familiar with the UK system asks all sorts of questions about your health and fitness for work all in all to culminate in a face to face assessment – what the point of going through things twice is I’m not sure but if that’s how they’re spending their money (or should that be my money as I have been paying my taxes since 18!) then that’s up to them.


Anyway, the number of questions and thinking about how POTS affects me is overwhelming. My dad gave me the advice of just answering a question a day so I don’t overwhelm myself, get more stressed and make myself worse.


Add to this the news that my Grandma died this morning. This may sound awful but to me it was a relief. She had been ill for quite some time and spent most of the past 7 months in hospital and back in July had said she was ready to die and was sick of the pain. I know that feeling well so to think of anyone I love so much to be feeling the same way was heartbreaking. By this last weekend she couldn’t see, was being fed liquids via a tube and had no idea who anyone was. I love her to pieces and always will and know that when I’m grieving it is for myself and that it is because I will never see or hug her again but she is better off out of any pain or any further suffering. I also know I have to be strong to support my mum.

 

So, yes, that’s today for you.

 

Even when you try to do your best to get better there is always a toolbox full of spanners to be thrown at you. 

 

J

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