Last night was rough. Although for having had a few hours sleep I feel ok.

 

I knew there was no way I would sleep last night so when the bf went to bed I stayed up reading, writing, thinking. I know the latter wasn’t productive but it can’t always be helped. I’ve had so many tips on how to put these thoughts out of my head; mindfulness, delaying tactics, etc but there are times that nothing works and last night was one of them.

 

I felt like I was the only person in the world who was awake (although obviously I wasn’t, I know the concept of time zones and even the fact that there are millions of people in the UK who were probably awake too).  I have a couple of friends who say “call me anytime if you need me” but I never can, it’s the times where you’re at your worst when you need them the most but don’t feel good enough to contact them. If the situation was reversed I’d feel awful that they couldn’t contact me. Ah my brain!

 

I even have a friend in the US who I could have contacted but what would I have said?

 

Instead I buried my head in my book for a while, not the most helpful, as enjoyable as the book is I reached a part where they were talking about vegetarianism and veganism and the treatment of animals, cue some sobbing as I was previously vegetarian due to not feeling “worthy” enough to eat animals and it was only due to my other POTS symptoms that I had to make the difficult decision to start eating meat again but I really, really want to become vegan. If it helps my depression, will the pressure I’m putting myself under lift?, will this in turn help some of my POTS symptoms? Or will I find that I feel worse? My bf is not supportive of this vegetarian/vegan idea. I don’t want to cause a fuss and have people judge me as fussy (not that I would think of vegans as fussy).

 

Anyway, I finally decided I was tired partially I think thanks to taking 15mg of diazepam in one hit as I couldn’t control my anxiety (not that I recommend medicating in this way unless it has been agreed between you and your doctor) to get to bed to be told off my bf for coming to bed so late…great! He didn’t mean to make me feel worse about myself, I know he has my best interests at heart and didn’t want me to wear myself out but he doesn’t always know the most constructive way to do this. Suffice to say I finally fell asleep crying quietly.

 

Let’s see what today brings, eh? 

 

J

 

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