Today has not been the best of days. A couple of misunderstandings. Trying to get my mum with her sore throat & still bleeding nose to stop running around, stop talking, sit down & give the phone to my dad. Therapy was weird. My therapist has been fantastic, he has given me so many tips and I was feeling like I was getting so far and now although I have a few ways to handle my anxiety and depression I’ve still regressed.

 

Thanks to the NHS we can only have a maximum of 18 sessions and we are very close to the end of these and acknowledges I need more help, so he has recommended I speak to one of his colleagues on Tuesday and then have a kind of farewell round up with him after. I will miss him, he had good tips, was a great support & we really got on.

 

The idea of schema scares me slightly, all I know is that it’s an amalgamation of different therapies and group sessions were mentioned. I am TERRIFIED of group. I had bad experiences of it when I was in Leeds, I am scared of other people judging me, thinking what’s she got to be depressed about, etc?

 

Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I have to try it. I want to be better. I hate feeling like this and I know it doesn’t help my POTS in the slightest. The more depressed and stressed I get the more POTSy I become, the more POTSy I become, the more anxious I become and then the more depressed I become. It is a horrible cycle where I’m afraid to leave the flat, am so dependant on my parents (to a stupid level – I’m 28 FFS), my friends are all married with kids and I am just going backwards.

 

My arm still hurts, my resting heart rate after lying in bed for 5 hours was 106 bpm which is the lowest it has been in ages (so that’s one thing) but when I get up and move it goes beyond the crazy to the point where I am resting in the hall between my bedroom and the front room. I just feel so tired. I feel guilty complaining as I know there are so many other POTS/dysautonomia patients out there who are in worse conditions and have families to look after too, and I seriously take my hat off to them.

 

My brain does not shut up.

 

I want to achieve so much. I’ve made so many lists of things I want to do and achieve and I’m never going to do them.

 

God, this was all self-indulgent drivel. If anyone has bothered to read this, I’m sorry for wasting your time!

 

J

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