So we find ourselves in Mental Health Awareness Week and in a week that I have been dreading for quite some time.

I know I talk about my mental health quite a lot but when it has such an impact on my life it’s hard not to. Whether it is as part of my POTS or not it has been in my life for over 10 years.

I was intending to start my Schema posts today but really don’t have the brain capacity! My body is aching, my head is throbbing but I told myself I’d blog so here it is.

For those of you who don’t know the main reason behind this week being super stressful is the fact that my Atos assessment was rescheduled for today at 1.15pm. Firstly for someone who has gastric dumping, what a time?! This meant I had to eat my breakfast earlier than normal  (to make sure there was nothing in my system and I was fully recovered from the stomach cramps, sweating and pre-syncope by the time I needed to leave at 12.30) and then make sure I didn’t eat or drink anything until I got back, just in case.

I’d been building up to this since I sent off my SSP1 form back at the end of January so the tension I was feeling up until today has been horrible, culminating in me crying non stop last night, especially after one amazing friend kept texting me with lovely messages (thank you by the way, I know I couldn’t absorb it properly yesterday & I cried again today when I re-read them but I do appreciate you so much).

I really sympathise for those who don’t have the support I do. I know I am so lucky to have the support of my family, boyfriend, friends (rl) & Twitter as I know I wouldn’t have got to this point without them as the pressure I was feeling was so much I felt my life wasn’t worth all this administration. Would this have made me a statistic as someone who was invited to assessment but stopped claiming? Glad I didn’t give IDS any propaganda – thanks support system :).

I had read every horror story on the internet so was fully prepared to be mocked, bullied and insulted by someone who had no medical knowledge whatsoever so when I overheard the receptionists ask who was going to be seen by the doctor and my name was mentioned I felt relieved. I felt even more relieved when he introduced himself and really listened to what I said about my conditions. He informed me that I had been very comprehensive in my form (I’d read online to write EVERYTHING down), that his background was in psychiatry and that he was shocked by my BP, HR and the number of medicines (and their strengths) that fell out on his desk from my bag when he asked to see all my medication. He also said that I should be positive as he is confident that I will beat my depression and anxiety one day but he can easily tell I’m not fit for work with all my problems. I just pray DWP have the sense to listen!

So despite my heart hurting, my back hurting, my head hurting, my arm hurting & feeling slightly out of it after my regular food & drink plan has been put out I am relieved it’s over.

It’s in the hands of the gods. As one friend had asked earlier today after an almighty storm fell across the North West “who made Thor angry?”, I had to ‘fess up as the hail and thunder storm was over Bolton at the time of my assessment. Whether this means he’s on my side or not I’m not sure but I hope he is. I’ll offer some supplication later to be safe.

I still have a week full of anxiety inducing appointments: therapy, physio, cardiology, etc but for now at least the anxiety has passed through me just leaving my heart aching and the hollow depression in my fibres.

Let’s see what part 2 can throw at me tomorrow.

In the meantime I hope you’re all looking after your mental health in whatever way you see fit.