The balancing act of sleep

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Sleep has always been something of a mystery to me.

 

Apparently as a baby I would wake up at 2am and want to play, not be fed, not have attention, just some sort of stimulation. I drove my mum to the brink of despair! The doctor said I was just an intelligent child (he has since retired) and just leave some toys in my cot for me to play with. It all went well. I wasn’t a child who needed to be woken up in the morning, in fact I was up before my parents (but had learnt to entertain myself). 

 

When I got to my teenage years I just couldn’t sleep, whether it was the depression, being a typical teenager, whatever, it just always eluded me. I was happy to survive on about 3 hours a night and that was fine…unless I was ill, then I would sleep and sleep. 

 

To a large extent, it’s like that now. Although instead of the 3 hours I need 7. Balancing the insomnia that comes along with depression with the need to sleep and collect more spoons is tricky. Under sleep not enough spoons, over sleep strangely not enough spoons.

 

I woke up at 7am and still a little tired so I thought I’d treat myself to another 40 winks, before I knew it it was 8.45am! Curses for sleeping so long, the extra two hours have made me more tired, headachey & with a general sense of malaise.

 

I have been productive though & tried out some new bakeware, not as successful as I would have hoped but we’ll see how things go once it has been decorated. My main issue pre-decoration is shall I nap or not?

 

I’m shattered and have big days ahead Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday all take me out of the flat. I have a throbbing headache but if I nap will it stop me sleeping later? Will I feel the need to stay up later and get in to some bizarre pattern? Will I make myself ill by not napping now when I am so exhausted? I hate that thoughts like this are constantly running through my head. That in itself makes me tired!

 

I don’t want to change my sleep pattern, getting up between 6am and 7am is ideal to give me a couple of hours of quiet time and I like being in bed for 10pm and reading, then dozing. But then I’ll go and use one too many spoons and need more rest or I’ll feel edgy and anxious and not sleep so it all gets thrown into chaos.

 

I just wish sleep was as simple as it was as a child, I went to sleep and got up (bar the odd night terror & sleep walking which I still have today) it was much easier. Although so was life in general. If I tried telling three year old me I’d be worrying about sleeping so much she’d laugh but right now it definitely feels like no laughing matter.

Pain. Weakness. A little more pain.

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That basically sums up today. I woke up feeling fresher than I have in quite a while, which was amazing to me having spent a week in a foggy haze. I even got a little reading done!

 

Then my parents came to take us shopping as yes I still can’t move my left arm properly without experiencing intense pain, well it’s in pain when it’s kept still too but hey that’s my life. I was exhausted after spending just 30 minutes doing the weekly shop despite my boyfriend and parents doing the majority, I was basically there to pay.

 

They then came back for a coffee and I was nearly dropping off. Got a second burst of energy this afternoon but the pain is incredibly intense despite the medication.

 

So I have taken the afternoon easy as I want to get back in the kitchen soon, or do something productive at least as I feel like such a waste of space at the moment.

 

The news isn’t helping calling everyone on benefits scroungers and unworthy members of society just furthers my depression and of course the cycle of depression and POTS continues. I’ve never wanted anyone to go through the misery that is depression, anxiety, POTS, etc but now I’m not so sure as the dreadful things some people are saying makes me feel they really need to experience them for themselves! Then maybe they’ll understand.

 

Sorry my posts are still short one handed typing is hardwork!

What’s this? A little energy? Finally!

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Surrounded by noisy, demanding family does not help me put my new rule in to practise. Had lots of valerian and diazepam. But still so stressed and anxious, toes curling within my slipper boots with anxiety.

 

“I don’t know how you can drink that foul smelling stuff” ie my valerian water, “I’d be scratching at the walls if I didn’t”. Only my dad seems to understand & identify with me.

 

Still sitting at my parents’ with the whole clan so will leave this for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to add more later, in a calmer state.

 

J x 

 

Ok, so I’m home now and having just read the above realise how selfish, disrespectful & down right rude I sound.

 

I have the best family in the world, but they are loud, they do interupt me, they don’t always listen but they are so supportive (sometime a little too supportive where their anxiety makes me more anxious – hee hee).

 

Glad to have my feet up at the flat. Had a POTS turn, having been freezing earlier through the day, I suddenly felt faint, when clammy and pale. A lie down, a salty snack and a pint of water later I was ok, tired but ok. Hence now being in bed.

 

I really do have an amazing family but when so many people get together it can be so tiring but they all appreciate this.


I love my family to bits.


J x

Testing Times

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Surrounded by noisy, demanding family does not help me put my new rule in to practise. Had lots of valerian and diazepam. But still so stressed and anxious, toes curling within my slipper boots with anxiety.

 

“I don’t know how you can drink that foul smelling stuff” ie my valerian water, “I’d be scratching at the walls if I didn’t”. Only my dad seems to understand & identify with me.

 

Still sitting at my parents’ with the whole clan so will leave this for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to add more later, in a calmer state.

 

J x 

 

Ok, so I’m home now and having just read the above realise how selfish, disrespectful & down right rude I sound.

 

I have the best family in the world, but they are loud, they do interupt me, they don’t always listen but they are so supportive (sometime a little too supportive where their anxiety makes me more anxious – hee hee).

 

Glad to have my feet up at the flat. Had a POTS turn, having been freezing earlier through the day, I suddenly felt faint, when clammy and pale. A lie down, a salty snack and a pint of water later I was ok, tired but ok. Hence now being in bed.

 

I really do have an amazing family but when so many people get together it can be so tiring but they all appreciate this.


I love my family to bits.


J x

Eat that frog!

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My anxiety levels were high today but I had to go out to the post & really wanted to prepare things for Easter. What to do? What to do? The anxiety and walking to the postbox would use a lot of spoons. The baking would too!

 

After a conversation with my sister she had told me she had made cakes (although she admitted they may not taste as nice as mine). My mum also had a pudding in for Easter so I thought my spoons should go on going to the postbox, especially with there being no collection on Monday. 

 

My sister told me to just do it and eat that frog:

 

An old saying is that “If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that it is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!” Your “FROG” is the one thing you are most likely to keep putting off if you don’t do something about it now! It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life if you do it now.

 

The frog went down quite nicely with a diazepam. I then decided, as it had used a lot of spoons, there were already puddings and my mum caters for the 5000 I decided I’d have a day of rest and sod Easter. I can always make Hot Cross Buns another day, who says they have to be for Easter alone? I also need the spoons to put up with the rabble tomorrow! And hoping to do a Creme Egg bake a long on Monday. I made a few chocs the other day so people can have those tomorrow but I’m sure they won’t mind.

 

I’m actually quite proud of myself that I have put this new rule into action and instead of “everyone else must come first otherwise I am useless & worthless”, I have “tried to put others first but in this case it was not possible and I will provide pudding/cakes for the next occasion”. It’s a shame as it is something I love doing but my spoons are vital, especially after having fewer after my recent migraine.

 

I hope all my fellow dysautonomia/chronic illness/MH people are taking it easy this weekend too. Just because it’s a longer weekend doesn’t mean you can do more.

 

Give yourself a break.

 

J xxx

Migraines Suck!

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Sorry I’ve been away for a few days & that my posts have focussed mainly on the anxiety & depression symptoms. For the past 2 days I have had the migraine from hell. So again this will be a short post as I don’t want to get a headache from looking at the screen for too long.

 

Basically I think the snow, stress, barometric pressure change brought it on, plus the tiredness after Tuesday!

 

My senses were all heightenend, I couldn’t keep any food down, I was freezing, convulsing, it was horrific, especially at 5am lying passed out on the bathroom floor. Fortunately I had an appointment booked with my GP that evening, my parents had to take me as I couldn’t walk without support. My wonderful dad then drove round for an hour trying to find a pharmacy that was open (it was 7.15pm) and had the nasal sumatriptan in.

 

Thank god it worked, I’m shattered and have a headache but it is such a relief that the other symptoms have gone.

 

I am still typing one armed by the way! Yeah, POTS is not giving me a break lately!

 

Anyway, trying to keep positive!

 

Will be back to regular blogging from tomorrow…I hope!

 

Once again thanks for reading!

J x

Am I here?

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Day from hell, can’t go into details right now as too raw but sitting here, checking Twitter just to keep my mind going, boyfriend sat playing God of War 3 which seems to be violence & porn. I know people aren’t mind readers but seriously my eyes are full of tears if he can take his eyes off the naked cyber breasts. Feel invisible, really not helping my worth.

 

Will fill you in more about my day tomorrow.

 

Thank you for reading, just having someone “listening” to my self indulgent crap means more than you know!

 

J x

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